Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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