i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
