i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
