what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
