We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
