i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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