I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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