i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
