I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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