Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
