I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
