I need help removing her.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
