we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
it glows. i had to have it.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
