P.S. I can't hear my feet
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
