You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
My liver just had a heart attack.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
