i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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