The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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