Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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