In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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