your parents love me but you hate me
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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