Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Randomize
