I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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