Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
