I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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