Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
