well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
