i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
