So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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