So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I lost the right to judge tonight
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
