once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
