i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
