Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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