ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
