Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Ketchup is God's man juice
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
