we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
