I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
