Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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