false alarm. still invincible.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
