final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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