Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i will never coherently bang her
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
