but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
