Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
