i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
