I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
