I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
im six kinds of drunk right now
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
