Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
