Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
