if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
