Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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