I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
